my blog today would be just ranting..aka rubbish. so you can choose to just skip it. wait for the next entry if you want,but i got to blog. =p too talkative? maybe.. hahah

official first day of lessons yesterday, and i got back all my three papers for the common test. what can i say? i disappointed myself, disappointed my parents. shocked myself, shocked them too. never before do i remember getting so lousy results.loss for words. wonder if i've just been too lazy? or have i been studying using the wrong method? or am i just not studying? first time in my life i feel that the prospects are so bleak. BLEAK. cant imagine life 4 months ahead. A-levels is not like O-levels, can "last-month" mugging help? i pray that it will. or i'm a goner. GONER.

last night after the talk with my mom, i felt that i should be able to do better. i do not have to worry about anything besides my studies, it's true. my family is financially stable,so there's no worry about money. my family is also peaceful, as in there are no quarrels to disturb me. so why am i shortchanging myself? only one answer i guess, i'm not hardworking enough.LAZY.

told qiuling today that to be stupid is sad, but to be lazy, is even sadder. know what i mean? well, smart or stupid is not something i can choose, but then, hardworking or lazy is something that only i can decide. and should i fail, then the only person to be blamed is me. ME. the responsibility of studying lies solely on ME. and i should not let any other things distract me. there shall be NO EXCUSES for my laziness. NO EXCUSES.

never ever felt more down now than any other point of time. beginning to seriously consider what is the possibility of me scoring well for A-levels. mugging is seriously unlike me, really. but i guess i've to start moving my ass, and hopefully, my brain will start working too. can i make up for lost time in lazyland?

i know i'm supposed to study for no one else but myself, yet i hate disappointing my parents. they do their best to provide me with what i need, surely the least i can do is to study hard? why cant i just forgo some pleasures for the next few months? but sometimes a part of me also wonders, then when can i really get to enjoy myself? knowing full well, of course i will. i just have to work pass this huge obstacle in front of me, and then the world won't seem so dark anymore.

where do i start? how do i get where i want to go? directions? hints? clues? nothing. all i know is I HAVE TO STUDY HARD! for what? university. for who? myself. really? i don't know.

at this point, life seems hopelessly gone case. but after tonight i shall hopefully find in me a renewed strength to go on, to face up to the daunting challenges of improving my grades. I CAN DO IT! other people have, why not i?

even in my darkest moments, i know you'll be here for me. i miss you.. i need your hugs to give me courage and strength.. i want to hold you and hide in your embrace, please tell me everything will be ok. i need you so bad...

i am losing faith in myself. tomorrow will be a better day.